A Fist Full

To expand an empire, one must first expand the waistline of a nation. The balls of global fashion are being held to a knife. Italy has that knife. If you don't take what you want by force, you won't get what you want. Italy, the self-proclaimed fashion king, is as old world as sabotage and manipulation in reference to maintaining power.

As the rest of the world gets bigger, Italy stays the same. So which came first, the pasta or the fashion? Italy exports more pasta than any other country on purpose. Why do we have the notion that Italian food is fancy? Because they told us so. Eat my food; buy my clothes. Italy grew larger people everywhere else so that when they export their clothes, we don't measure up, losing power.

Exclusivity is power. And apparently trendy. People want what they can't have. Italy 1, everyone else 0.

The time has come for us to control ourselves. Until the day when we can all wear the same belt, society will revel in unrest. Take your body back. Measuring pasta may sound as foreign as the phrase "Avere la Botte Piena e la Moglie Ubriaca," but don't give in. The more pasta you buy, the more you encourage the expedited rise of The Old Country.

Measure your pasta. If you are cooking with short-cut pasta like macaroni, spirals, pinwheels, bowties, or any of the various shapes that comfortably fit into a bowl precooked, do exactly that. One serving size should fill up just more than the bottom of a bowl. Remember, pasta rises.

Measure your pasta. If you are cooking with long noodles you are not in trouble. And don't pour it into a bowl. Take say, the spaghetti and grip it between your pointer finger and your thumb. That might not make sense. Let me start over. Make the A-Okay/asshole sign with your hand. The pad of your thumb should be on the fingernail of your first finger. That is the size, or smaller, of a proper portion.

Measure your pasta and pray that Italy doesn't put visible, and accurate tape measures on the outsides of fitted dresses.